It's a whole new year!!! Whooptieefuckingdoo!! I'm gonna make myself get up-WOW old ass, great goals you set for yourself there! HA!
At this very moment in my new year I am sitting in my "bar" as I have been for the past three fucking hours with little to no human interaction. I am finding myself yelling at Johnny Cash cause he is singing too fucking loud. SO FUCKING BORING! If you’re bored, then you’re boring? Go fuck yourself, I’m delightfully unboring.
Hi!
Hello.
Wayyy too much coffee.
No matter what you do...you can't bury the crazy- it seeps from your strange and crazy pores.
KILL! KILL! KILL!
Just kidding, I only kill people on paper. (or do I???)
Well, I might as well blog about all my personal shit so that my ten readers can feel better about their own lives.
All I can say is...you think you've got yourself pegged, figured out, mapped if you will- a solid grasp on who you really are, where exactly you're heading, what you probably want, and then BAM! Out of nowhere, someone, something, some turn of events, lays out in front of you all the things you've been hiding and protecting. At that moment it becomes crystal clear what and why you have been the way you have for so long.
I've had on a sort of cover-all for a little while, a couple years, maybe. Well, actually it's more like a bubble. Some of my closest friends have noticed that I've been super fucking feisty, and how did she put it?..."intimidating and skeptical" I think. I mean it's not that I didn't notice this about myself, but I did convince myself that I was truly this tough skinned. I mean I've barely cried for the last two years, save for the death in the family. Once you find yourself alone after nine years of marriage though, it's inevitable that you will have to figure out what you look like and who you are without the other person. As toxic as my marriage was, I thought the part of me that seemed to die with it, wasn't really me. Not to say I've got it all figured out, because that's not it, at all- but I am starting feel like every soft part of me didn't die along with my marriage, I guess is what I'm saying. I’m starting to feel like some of the tough exteriors I've possessed in the last couple of years could be part of my protective shield that I needed to heal.
To all of you who knew all along, I'm really a big softy, I kick your ass...all day. :) But seriously though, don't tell anyone.
Punch 'em in the throat!
A couple days ago I looked at the Muse and told her if she felt the need to punch someone, she should punch them in the throat, not in front of a camera. Cause then she doesn't have to worry about breaking their nose or jaw, it throws everyone off guard, and knocks the breath out, not to mention it fucking hurts. But, it doesn't leave a (big, noticeable) mark, and makes it harder for someone to press charges. This is the most terrible advice I have given this year. But, an important lesson I learned in 2014. This little slice has inspired me to write a short list of all the things I learned in 2014. Here goes...
1. If someone you love is sick, drop everything and spend as much time with them as you can.
2. The world looks very different when you lose your biggest fan on earth.
3. The selfishness of people comes out most-or seems most apparent when you are grieving (this by the way...includes your own).
4. You have no idea how you will react to someones death until it actually happens.
5. (the last morbid one, I promise) You’ll never understand how mad you can get at God or how severely you can question any of your own spirituality to the depth that you do, when someone so important is just gone from existence, completely.
6. Never date someone you work with.
7. Never agree to stay in a hotel room, in another city, with your ex- ever! Especially if the break-up is fresh(ish).
8. When you've been pushed to the point of homicide and you picture yourself standing, yelling like a banshee over their dead body as you scalp them, lock yourself in a bathroom and play comforting music. It works. It really works.
9. If you felt like you may have been capable of murdering someone just an hour before- don't agree to ride with them in a car for the next two hours.
10. If you do make that bad decision and they blast music, turn the heat on full blast, then the AC, and drive erratically, endangering both your lives...stab them in the fucking throat, over and over, until dead. It's worth the wreck.
11. Don't date someone you work with.
12. If you still have to work with someone that has pushed you to a point of violence you’re not comfortable with, give your notice and move on.
13. If you can't finish out your two weeks without punching them in the face- don't do it in front of the camera, while you’re still on the clock....or do, fuck it.
14. If you have fifty plus missed calls and upwards of a hundred texts from someone that may try to charge you with assault- don't erase them, you’ll need them for the harassment counter charges.
15. Don't immediately start dating someone else you work with.
16. Don't date someone you work with.
17. Don't date someone ten years plus younger than you when you’re in your early thirties, at least. They might be fantastic wonderful people, but your maturity levels are probably not compatible, and they may try to be everything you think you need, only for you to hurt them.
18. Don't make so many dumb ass decisions!
19. If having completely empty sex with someone (you may work with <--- stop doing that!) is making you feel some kind of negative way about yourself- stop doing it, idiot!
-------------and finally.....
20. No matter how many times you’ve been hurt or hurt someone, no matter how many bad decisions you’ve made about people or things in your life, if you see an opportunity for change and or possible happiness- don't be afraid- be open and honest and take the risk, over and over. Don't look at your past as a reason not to take chances, for the fear of hurting again. Look at your past as a resume for all the things you’ve encountered and survived, and let it give you strength and courage that you can handle anything. Above all...Be Brave!
Anyfuckingways, I am starting my new twenty-one days on January eleventh. This challenge will be as simple as fucking possible. All I have to do is get up every morning by ten a.m. no matter how late I go to bed. If I fail this one, it's a sign and I should just kill myself. Just kidding, calm down. No but really, I should never try this again! Lol...we shall see. Check ya on the flip side!
Oh, and P.S.
I met someone :)
Thanks for reading!!!!
