The fucking end.

Day 16: The day I decided to quit this blog. I am so fucking far behind. I'm stressed out. I'm not getting up. I've stayed in bed as much as possible for the last few days, and granted some of the time I needed the sleep, and some of it has to do with...fuck, I'm tired of the excuses. I feel like a failure. I don't know exactly what I am going to do. I want to start over. One thing I can't fucking deal with is getting so far behind. It takes me about an hour or so to type and edit each blog post, and I am so far behind that I might not have been able to do all of them before the twenty-one days was up anyways. And, doing it this way is making me crazy. I'm so sick of recaping. I don't want to do the blog days after the shit has happened. It is driving me crazy having to fix the tenses on everything and trying to remember what happened that day. I imagine that people are reading the blog, and waiting for me to post and that I am letting them down. The truth is that there is probably like one person that is actually doing that. One of my friends asked me to help him in making some changes in his life the other day, and that is all I have thought about since and how I can't even do this for myself and I am trying to...what...be an example for someone else? Look, I don't want to spend time making excuses or feeling bad for having to share that I am failing miserably at this blog, and just last night I told the mother of my girls that I would not be stopping the blog just because I am failing, but I think that is exactly what I need to do. I lay in bed in the mornings and think about all the posts I haven't done and I feel so overwhelmed by all of it, and all the other things I need to do that I go back to sleep. I have to do something different. When I first started I thought that I might need to do something a bit more simple for the first one. That the routine would be too much for me at the beginning, but then I thought about how much the routine changed my life before and that is when I decided it would be the best starting place. But, the last time I used the routine to change my life, routine was saving my life. I was so different then, and the reason I needed change was so different too. I'm not sick anymore, I'm just fucking lost and lazy and overfuckingwhelmed. I don't see a clear purpose today. I just feel ill and irratated. I don't know what I am going to do yet. I think I am going to start over and I am going to keep blogging until I figure something out at least. I just really needed to make this official so that I could move on, because everyday that I wasn't getting caught up on the blog it felt like another hundred pounds was being added to my luggage of life, and I woke up this morning at like nine am, feeling good and ready to get up, but I started thinking about all the stuff I had to do that I knew I wasn't going to have time for and I just went back to sleep, and enjoyed not doing any of it. After the first week of this blog, I felt like I was getting somewhere, like things were changing, and I think they really did, but I have just expected too much from myself, or failed to work hard enough to accomplish my goals and it is taking me down a fucking hole. I am so sick of being negative. But, as I write this, I already feel a weight coming off of me, knowing that I don't have to write and edit so many stupid fucking days of blogs. God, Im so sick of them. I don't want to feel that way about this at all. I don't fucking know where to go from here, but, I do know that I am going to keep writing everyday, and just see if I can keep up with just that part. I guess we shall see what's next. Well, I feel better already and now I have time to get some real shit done today before work. Ugh, Im pissed at myself for failing. FML.

I just went back through all my blogs that I have written, and I feel sick. So much has happened. I've had some really good days trying to do this blog, there are like eight blogs that I have drafts for that I have not published. I know it will be hard to follow how I got to this point of quitting. I had the thought that I would recap the last week, but I can't even do that. It's just so backwards, and I'm fucking sick of going backwards. I don't want to do this blog if I have to do days worth of blogging in past tense. The last week hasn't been as awful as I feel like they have been. So many cool things have happened. My prego bff is no longer prego, she has a beautiful baby boy! I've had some awesome moments and times with friends, but, I just can't keep going back. I have to move forward, so for all my many readers (hahahahahahhahahahaha!) I am sorry that I have to cut this short. I will do something else soon. I guess maybe start another twenty-one days at some point. I don't know I have a lot of ideas, but none I want to think about all that much right now. I have like two hours before I have to be at work, and plenty of shit to do before I leave so I am going to get started. Damnit, so fucking disappointing.

Day 7: November 11th, 2014

Tuesday was another great day. My day off! I got up around 9:30 and started texting everyone about going hiking. It seemed as if everyone that wanted to go couldn't, except one person. Muse (formally known as the girl from the couch) was doing her own thing, the red headed bestie was not responding to my text, but of course, the teacher was up at the crack of dawn (my time) asking if we were doing the damn thing or not. After all this, I felt that I was running late to take care of the trio. The trio are the dogs that I had agreed (gladly) to take care of while the curly haired friend was out of town. So, I got ready for hiking and went to hang out with the dogs for a while. It turned out that I had to do a lot more hanging out than I had thought however, so I was with the trio a bit longer than planned, but the poor things really needed some love and of course I was happy to be there with them. The trip however, got pushed back some more. Then, I heard from Muse, and she wanted to come hiking which made me very happy. So, I told her we had time still to wait for her to get to my house and we would all leave from there. The teacher had a time at the gas station so she was running behind, then Muse was a little lost, so it was well past noon before we got on the road. I wanted to have more time to hike so we decided to go to Pilot Mountain instead of Hanging Rock. The teacher led the way and to my surprise had put "Pilot Mountain" into her GPS, and we ended up coming into the back part of Pilot to an area none of us had ever been before. It was actually in East Bend, but it was the back of the mountain all the same. It was quiet and secluded and close to my house so we trekked though. It was so beautiful! The trail is right along part of the Yadkin River and we could see all the colors of the changing trees, this is by far my favorite time of the year to go hiking. We had so much fun! The teacher brought her awesome dogs with her and they loved it. They got in the water every chance they could, and tried numerous times they really couldn't. The clumsy one was hilarious. We laughed and talked and enjoyed nature and it was amazing. I will definitely be going back by myself very soon.

The Muse and I went to eat Mexican after that and stuffed ourselves fat. I got home with plans to clean and cook and instead I read my book and took a very nice and perfect nap. I got up a bit late, but I still made it to the grocery store to get the stuff I needed to make a spaghetti diner and birthday cake for the 'dad to be'. He had driven most of the day before to take his little lady home and then worked both of his jobs all day on his birthday. I had invited him over before I even knew it was his birthday, and decide to make him a cake just the day before. He brought the brother over with him on the very late tip and we enjoyed some good food, and naps for them. It was so late before I finished dinner, and then it was really late before I could get the cake in the oven. The 'dad to be' and the brother both fell asleep while I was making the cake, but both of them woke up and ate some before they left. It was a good night. The red headed bestie came to join the fun too, and stayed for a few minutes after the guys left. I was very tired by the time I went to bed and it was very, very late. Day seven was decent for my routine. I got up earlier than my routine suggests. I went for a very long walk if you count the hike. I read, I danced, and I also cooked, cleaned, and entertained guests. I still haven't done the routine I set out to do. I haven't made it a strict routine that I must do at the same time every morning. When I did this years ago, it was very different. But, so was I, and the reasons were drastically different too. If I let myself compare the two I feel guilty for not doing more, but if I look at this as new experience and adventure, I feel like its getting me somewhere, I am not sure quite where yet, but I know that anywhere is better than the state I was in before.

Day 6: November 10th, 2014

Monday was a great day. I got up around nine-thirty am. I didn't actually get out of bed for very long though. I moved around for a bit, and thought I would get ready and go for my walk, but sat in bed and was on social media sites for about an hour at least. I also read a chapter of my book. The 'dad to be' that works with me, text and interrupted my deep concentration on some article about how cool fucking science is. The 'dad to be' has become one of my dearest friends, and his little lady was in town. I really wanted her to like me, and so I told the 'dad to be' that I wanted to hang out with them while she was here. It hadn't worked out the night before that we could all get together, but we had discussed maybe doing lunch before they hit the road to take the little lady back home. So, I got up and got ready and met them and the brother of the 'dad to be', out at one of the best restaurants in Winston, Mozelle's. The brother and I had fried chicken with a delicious peach on top, crispy green beans, and dank mac and cheese. It was wonderful. The little lady was awesome and I was happy to think we might get to be closer friends once she moves out here, which hopefully will be soon.
Day six was quickly becoming another bust for my routine yet again, and I felt the stress of day seven coming up. It wouldn't technically be a full week until day eight, but there are a lot of things on my weekly list that I hadn't done yet. So, I was feeling very pressured to do something. I came home from lunch and wrote my blog for the day before, and I danced and sketched for a little while before I had to get ready and go to work. I would like to report that I was in fact on time for work, I may have even been a minute early. Look at me!
I was in a great mood on Monday and even though I felt like I wasn't doing everything I wanted to be doing, I wasn't too upset with myself, because I couldn't help but be happy about all the stuff I was doing. I came home that night and sketched and worked on my tree for probably a couple hours and listened to chillstep while I did it. I floated off into another world and it felt a lot like meditation. I did, well, if you count all the walking I did at work, I almost accomplished all the things on my routine list for the day. I got sleepy after reading and turned my light off and went to bed in the dark, tired, happy and ready for tomorrow. I had made plans to go hiking and I was excited to see the trees and be out in nature. I have known for quite some time that I gain my energy from two things, one is being alone, and the other is nature. The fact that I spent hardly anytime outdoors all summer was suddenly very sad to me, and I wondered how I didn't even want that for myself. How did I not miss something so important to me? The fog I was just in less than a week ago was starting to look like something I didn't quite recognize anymore, and the more I thought about it, the more I didn't understand what I was really doing. Where was I? Was I really okay? Could I have possibly been as happy as I thought I was? By the way, I haven't missed being lazy yet, which I think is weird, I thought the first week would be the hardest, and it hasn't been anything like I thought it would be.

Day 5: November 9th, 2014

Day five was the best one I have had so far, for the routine I set up for myself. I went for a walk not too long after I woke up. I did get on my phone for a little too long before I got up, but I didn't go back to sleep, which is progress. I walked to Dunkin Donuts and had a very unhealthy breakfast. Even though I got up at 10:30 I didn't make it there until after noon, but I got quite a bit done. I wrote the blog entry for the day before, and I wrote out a schedule for the next week. I also read for probably fourty five minutes. It was very enjoyable. I was proud of myself. I didn't do very much else on the list of routine things though. I did finally clean my house, or half of it before it was time to take a shower and go to a friends house for dinner, or that was the plan I thought. There was no dinner, apparently we were late, and I wasn't aware we were supposed to be there at a specific time. I half watched an episode of The Walking Dead almost two seasons past what I have seen, and learned things about characters that I don't even know yet. Damn. Anyways, it was a good day.
The best thing about day five was that I started sketching again. I have had this vision in my head that I wanted to paint for a long time so, yesterday I sort of mapped it out. I have to confess, I am not a very good artist, so this painting will take me a very long time. I have to learn how to draw every element of it before I can get started, and once it is done, it will be fucking weird and no one will like it. Well, I will like it, but trust me it's weird.
The only thing I have written since I started this project is this blog. That is what I am going to try and change. The important part is that I am getting up and doing things that I want to do and living a little more than I was before and it is making all the difference. I am starting to think that I will have to redo this twenty-one days to actually get in the habit of the routine, and at first I thought, well, maybe I should just start over. But, my failing at this is making it, little by little, a bit easier to get up and do some things. So, if I can start to get the hang of the routine by the end of the twenty-one days, I think it will at least be a half success. It maybe that I have to redo this particular challenge over again for it to stick, but, just attempting to make it work is helping me so much, I can't be too upset about it.

Day 4: November 8th, 2014

Day four was okay. I had to get up at 9:20am to go to work. So...no walk. But, I did walk probably miles at work, so that should count for something. I also woke up with relative ease, wanting to get up and start my day. It was a crazy day at work. Two people didn't show up so I made some quick decisions and tried to remedy the situation so that we would be okay if we got busy, which we did. As usual I danced around at work, so I am counting that as my dancing for the day!
After a long day at work I went home and took a very needed nap. I hadn't thought I would take a nap, but once I started reading, and rereading the same sentence over and over, I decided that naps were awesome and not the enemy so I lounged back in my awesome reclining couch and napped my little heart out! But, after I woke up three hours later, I realized that naps may in fact may be the devil in disguise, or at least these naps. I had plans with two people (the red headed bestie and the very prego bestie) that night and as I texted them to tell them that I would still try and make it to both events, I lay down for the few minutes I was waiting to leave to meet the red headed bestie and I didn't wake up until after two am. Wtf? I woke up feeling horrible. I had double booked myself anyways. I told the very prego bestie that I would go to an annual chicken stew with her the week before and then a few days later, completely forgetting about the chicken stew, I promised the red headed bestie that I would take her out for her birthday a couple days late because that was the first chance I would have outside of work. I sat up feeling guilty and apologizing to the red headed bestie, who I believe ended up having just as much, if not more fun in my absence, or at least that's what I told myself. I read for an hour, turned off the lights like a grown up and continued to feel a bit guilty for standing up two friends until I fell asleep.
Anxiety seems to be lurking around lately and I definitely felt some on day four. I have been biting my nails which is weird as fuck. I haven't done that in at least a decade. I feel like all my emotions have been stirred up inside of me with this project. It is really a good thing, but sometimes I really miss being numb. I could talk myself out of feeling almost anything. A week ago, guilt would not have haunted me the way it did over missed plans. The emotions are creeping up on me and it is a bit scary. I just keep telling myself I wanted this.
So, day four was a bust for the actual routine part. I did wake up, work hard and make some much needed money though, but it wasn't a very successful day for the project. I will try again tomorrow.

Day 3: November 7th, 2014

One goal I set for myself in this new routine, was to be out of bed by ten-thirty or eleven at the latest, and up walking so that I wouldn't go back to sleep. My dear friend that stayed on my couch was up and at 'em at a lovely nine-thirty! She made her first attempt to wake me up around that time, and I begged for another five minutes of course. But, I could hear her talking on her phone, and the sound was so amazing. I started thinking like I used to...that maybe I was missing something I really didn't want to miss. So, instead of thinking of all the horrible things I should be doing, I felt like there were things I WANTED to be doing. INSANE! I wasn't exactly happy to be up. I had a hangover, and a headache, and the sun was so fucking bright!!! If she hadn't been here to talk to, I would have went back to bed, there is no doubt in my mind!!! Instead, we got so much done! There were too many people on at work tonight too, so up early as I was, I text my boss and nominated myself to be off for the evening, because all I really wanted to do was write!!! My boss text me back and said, we can do without you, have a great day writing. And!!! I have written all day.

I will have to be honest and report that I did not go for a walk, I did not meditate, or do yoga, or...well I have found some dancing time while I have been writing...so there's that! I will stick with the point of this twenty-one day journey, and that is to start a routine. I will keep trying, but, I have to say I feel that today has been very successful. Also, life has sort of changed for me today too. The friend on the couch decided to make some major life changes today herself, and I went with her to gather some of her things and make another step towards the life she is looking for. The act of doing this was very warming and pearly. Little pearls in life; the moments that change the wind, the moments where it feels like God is looking your way. The moments we are to cherish and revel in. I know that it was a very hard step for her, and one I have taken myself several times. But the weight of the coming change has, despite the somewhat unfortunate situation, made me feel like I have a purpose, and that is what I have been looking for, I think, perhaps, more than anything. Confession: I have had the thought that the girl from the couch could be some sort of muse for me, since the last time we hung out. It's her energy, her age, her creativity, and her braveness...it just oozes out of her. So, epic story long...I invited her to stay with me for as long as she needs to in order to get on her feet. That is the part of me helping her, but the most beautiful part is the symbiotic relationship we are forming. She wants to help me too, she wants to help me get up and live. She wants to help me succeed in this/ these twenty-one day challenges that I have started. We've made plans to paint, and be creative, and so many other things that I have just longed for, and didn't even know it. The craziest part of this whole blink-of-an-eye change in my life is that even though I knew somehow that I wanted it, I would have never thought this would be the way I would find the motivation, the inspiration I have been looking for. I want to be alone, and I want to spend my time in my own little world. But, at the same time, I want to help someone, and be helped. And, the girl from the couch wants and needs the same things. It's perfect. It's fate. So... on the closing of day three, I feel like I took one small step in the right direction, and it made all the difference. In just three days, I feel like I have a whole new path to walk on, and I am finding my solitude with the help of a new friend. I could never imagine I would feel so much about all of this in so little time. So, to sum up the adventure so far...this twenty-one days to change is doing exactly what I wanted it to do already, changing things.

A P.S. to the girl from the couch: I hope you understand that while yes, you being here and being what I just described above, is helping me in ways you probably can't fully understand...there is no pressure for you to help me at all. I want to offer you a safe haven to figure out what, where, and how you are going to make your next move. Just being able to do that is amazing enough. I don't want you to feel like I am just someone else you have to worry about, I want you to worry about only yourself. That is the point, right? So, no pressure and no worries, what ever either of us gets out of this experience will be just what we need, I am sure of it. Love you Muse.

Day 2: November 6th, 2014

The no good very bad day. Something happened here today. I didn't get up at all. I turned off three alarms and talked myself out of doing anything that I was supposed to be doing. I didn't want to get up. I just wanted to sleep and dream. Although I had went to bed at an early enough hour for me to have had seven and half hours of sleep when I set my alarms. I set them for between eleven and twelve noon. I did get up when the first alarm went off and looked outside to find it raining and that was it. I couldn't go for a walk, so I just went back to bed. I didn't actually get up until three-ten (which means I slept for eleven plus hours). I had to be at work at four. I was pissed, disappointed in myself, and irritated. I threw shit around the entire time I got ready for work, and when I got to work (five minutes late of fucking course) I was just as pissed off and irritated. But, something else happened too. I cried. I had kind of felt like I was going to cry the night before too. But I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I haven't been able to cry, even when I wanted to for months and months. Then on the way to work, I just felt something break a little. I was being very hard on myself, for starting all this and dedicating it to my grandmother, and not taking it seriously, falling right back into what I always do. I learned a long time ago that you can't be hard on yourself. You can't always control how other people treat you, or how nice they are to you. But, you can control how nice you are to yourself, and you should always treat yourself with understanding and kindness. So negative self talk is not something I do very often, if at all. But, I had even written on my mirror (which I do a lot with a dry erase marker) "get your fucking shit together LOSER!" before I left for work. The message that was still on my mirror when I had people over after work, of course I left it! HA.

Anyways I get to work, try and calm down a little, walk to the back of the dining room, sit at a table and fucking cry. It felt weird. Way too raw, way too exposed. But, at the same time, I would have dared someone to say something! Of course no one did. My lovely friends, despite how irritated I was for the next three hours, tried to cheer me up, and left me alone as perfectly as I could have asked for, but didn't have to. I was talking to my boss (and "friend" *wink* love you boss lady) later that night and she was trying to understand what was going on with me. In trying to explain it to her, I found that I was defending my bad mood; that made me realize that I needed it, and that I need to be hard on myself. I needed to feel that disappointment in myself, and, more than that I needed to break down a little. I need to feel something. I have been so strong lately I thought, but really I was just ignoring everything in order to not have to feel anything. Which is fine. A sort of psychological security blanket. I think I needed it, the blanket I mean. I also need it to be over. Right. Fucking. Now. Day two was a bust for my routine, but it was a very needed step in the right direction.

Something else unfolded last night too. My friends came over to hang out with me after work. I was supposed to go out with one of my besties, but I went to the liquor store instead, and invited her over. Turns out it was her birthday (we're new besties, btw), and we needed to celebrate. A few people came over and my mood was so much lighter. I came home on a sort of break from work and cleaned up the shit that was about to drive me crazy just so that I wouldn't be embarrassed to have people in my house. Ya know, gave the toilet a quick scrub, and got all my panties out of the bathroom floor. Nothing major at all, took me twenty minutes. I wondered while I was doing it why on earth it's been so hard to motivate myself to do something so easy and quick on a regular basis (I used to be so clean!). I will never understand myself. On the other hand, if I have people over more, my house will be cleaner, and my vibes will be better too. It's a win-win. Anyways, to the fucking point...my newish friend who is going through a change in her life, her exciting new adult life (she is a fresh twenty years old) came over too, and ended up staying the night here. As I told her what I was doing (this project) and how I needed to go to bed so that I could get up and have a better day tomorrow, she got all motivated to help me and wake me up and help me get my stuff done, and I agreed to help her too. It was nice to say goodnight to someone and I went to bed without any distractions, no TV on, no anything...just turned off my lights and went to sleep like a normal fucking person. And....at a decent time, even with having had people over and partying quite a bit. The worst day somehow turned out to be a really amazing day by the time it was over. Good friends and great vibes are hard to find, and a gift that (at least in my eyes) is straight from God. What amazing wonderful people are in my life! And, I am lucky enough to get to see one of my new besties turn another year older. So, day two---fucking awful, powerful, amazing, painful, draining, and perfect.

Day 1: November 5th, 2014

Day one was...weird. I had court at 9 am. I didn't sleep much the night before, because I was really inspired to do this, and was planning and writing. So, I didn't make it getting up early (though I had to get up very early for court) to go on my walk. I woke up just early enough to kind of get ready and only be five minutes late for court...well to make it into the line. I didn't make it into the court room for another twenty minutes probably. I'm pretty sure I looked like a meth addict though, and I wore a really weird outfit (I really need to do laundry, lol), not at all appropriate. Anyways, my lawyer showed up and continued my case until January. Awesome!!!! The rest of the day was relaxing, and then I went to keep the girls. I went and hung out with a friend that I haven't seen in a while that night. Her husband is out of town for a month, I think, so we are going to hang out more until he gets back. I came home and wrote a little bit and tried to sleep. I didn't really accomplish any of my daily goals, except that I was up early and had a longer and more productive day than usual. I wasn't exactly happy with it by the end of the day, but it doesn't seem so bad looking back now. I spent time chewing on new inspiration, and marinating in all the things I wanted to accomplish with this project. However, at the time it felt a little like I was not very dedicated, I felt sad before I lay down to sleep. I thought about how I wanted to talk to someone, but the person I usually want to talk to about these things wouldn't be able to answer my phone call, being dead and all. I couldn't just turn off, so I turned on the movie I had watched over and over for the last two days (Begin Again is a wonderful movie, that everyone should see, btw). I went to sleep thinking that even if I could call Nee Naw, I probably wouldn't have anyways. I found myself wishing I would have called her more when she was here. I missed her.

The Routine/Plan

Twenty one days of Routine:

Daily checklist:
:get up by 10:30 am (that's fucking early for me)
:go for a walk
:10 mins of dance/yoga
:10 mins of meditation
:write anything for thirty minutes
:read anything for thirty minutes
:vitamins and water

Weekly Checklist:
:three-three hour sessions of writing
:three trips to the gym
:cleaning and laundry

Overall Goals:
:to get on a better sleep schedule, to live more and sleep less.
:to be more active and fit.
:to look for and hopefully find some motivation.
:Reading:
:finish City of Bones
:read Gatsby
:start City of Ashes

The fucking beginning

It's time for a change. I simply must. I have skimmed through a book about making any change a habit in 21 days a couple times in the past four years and the idea has kept itself fresh in my mind ever since the first time I read about it. I have had some sort of excuse as to why I need to not be too hard on myself, and not expect too much from myself for the last few years, and I have wasted valuable time in believing that. I can't do that anymore. The idea of what I am about to embark on, is putting a disgusted look on my face as I write this. I am so comfortable not doing a damn thing. I spend my days off in bed. I spend my work days in bed until I have to go in, and climb right back into bed as soon as I am off. I have no desire to be in a relationship, I have no desire to really accomplish anything, at least on a daily basis. I do day dream of a different life, one with purpose and adventure. But, that dream consists of winning the lottery. I dream of being a writer, but I don't write everyday, or often enough at all. I dream of helping people and being a therapist, but I do nothing to work at going back to school. I used to be so driven, so busy, and so irritated. I am rarely unhappy, I never cry or get upset, I am a very content person. But, I want more, and the only way I know how to get more is to make myself do something.
So, as much as I don't want to, and as hard as it is going to be, I am going to start on a journey towards success 21 days at a time. I have a list that consists of years of 21 day challenges, literally I could have kept going for hours. I thought it would be easier if I started off slow, with only one thing to do everyday for 21 days. But, I have already failed at that miserably. So... I am going to have to return to the strenuous routine I once used to change my life years and years ago. I should preface this with the fact that since I used that routine to change my life, I have not had any kind of routine that wasn't preset for me to follow since. I fucking hate routine. I don't even have one before bed, or when I get up...unless you count peeing. I have stuck (sort of) to schedules that I absolutely had to stick to like work and school since then, but that is really about it. I have told myself that they are not for me and that I shouldn't make myself be something that I am not. If type A personalities have all their shit together you can consider me a type Z. I have nothing together at all, and I have been quite happy that way for a long time. But, the period of rest has got to be over if I ever want to be the person I so often long to be. I hunger for purpose and success, which sleeping and partying will never get me.
So, wtf is the plan? It's gonna have to be hard and long. Damn it. I am going to call my first 21 to change... 21 days of Routine. I will be setting a routine for myself that I know has worked before, and I will hate every fucking minute of it. I will have to get up and walk every morning. I will have to have a sleep schedule, and I will have to have a gym schedule too. I am going to add a writing and reading schedule to this routine because I need these things to change the most. I am going to try to be realistic and not expect too much out of myself, just the beginning of climbing out of my rut. The writing thing will be sort of built in because I am going to write this blog and track my success or lack there of so that absolutely no one can follow it and be entertained. I am also going to pretend that I am twenty nine and have one year to change my life and be successful. You (the non existent reader) will never know my real age, and if you know me and you do...fuck off and don't tell. My imaginary friends think I'm younger and that is why I like them more than you.
Now for the fucking kicker... I dedicate this blog and this project to my Ninnie. My grandmother passed away at the beginning of this year, just about nine months ago. She was my greatest friend, my biggest fan, and really the only human on the planet that I felt like really got me. Now, the reason I am doing this is not for her, although I would like to think she would appreciate it. I am doing this, so that I will actually do it, and because I know that if she is watching me, she has got to be upset by my lack of doing any fucking thing for so long now. And the degree to which I use the word fucking for that matter. Sorry Nee Naw, that ain't gonna change tho.
So, tomorrow November 5th, 2014 will be the first day of my first 21 day challenge. I will post my routine/ schedule tomorrow and try and blog my success and failures at least three times a week. All you wonderful non existent readers out there, wish me luck. Peace Out!