Don't mind my pre-blog

It's a whole new year!!! Whooptieefuckingdoo!! I'm gonna make myself get up-WOW old ass, great goals you set for yourself there! HA!

At this very moment in my new year I am sitting in my "bar" as I have been for the past three fucking hours with little to no human interaction. I am finding myself yelling at Johnny Cash cause he is singing too fucking loud. SO FUCKING BORING! If you’re bored, then you’re boring? Go fuck yourself, I’m delightfully unboring.

Hi!
Hello.
Wayyy too much coffee.


No matter what you do...you can't bury the crazy- it seeps from your strange and crazy pores.
KILL! KILL! KILL!

Just kidding, I only kill people on paper. (or do I???)

Well, I might as well blog about all my personal shit so that my ten readers can feel better about their own lives.

All I can say is...you think you've got yourself pegged, figured out, mapped if you will- a solid grasp on who you really are, where exactly you're heading, what you probably want, and then BAM! Out of nowhere, someone, something, some turn of events, lays out in front of you all the things you've been hiding and protecting. At that moment it becomes crystal clear what and why you have been the way you have for so long.
I've had on a sort of cover-all for a little while, a couple years, maybe. Well, actually it's more like a bubble. Some of my closest friends have noticed that I've been super fucking feisty, and how did she put it?..."intimidating and skeptical" I think. I mean it's not that I didn't notice this about myself, but I did convince myself that I was truly this tough skinned. I mean I've barely cried for the last two years, save for the death in the family. Once you find yourself alone after nine years of marriage though, it's inevitable that you will have to figure out what you look like and who you are without the other person. As toxic as my marriage was, I thought the part of me that seemed to die with it, wasn't really me. Not to say I've got it all figured out, because that's not it, at all- but I am starting feel like every soft part of me didn't die along with my marriage, I guess is what I'm saying. I’m starting to feel like some of the tough exteriors I've possessed in the last couple of years could be part of my protective shield that I needed to heal.
To all of you who knew all along, I'm really a big softy, I kick your ass...all day. :) But seriously though, don't tell anyone.

Punch 'em in the throat!

A couple days ago I looked at the Muse and told her if she felt the need to punch someone, she should punch them in the throat, not in front of a camera. Cause then she doesn't have to worry about breaking their nose or jaw, it throws everyone off guard, and knocks the breath out, not to mention it fucking hurts. But, it doesn't leave a (big, noticeable) mark, and makes it harder for someone to press charges. This is the most terrible advice I have given this year. But, an important lesson I learned in 2014. This little slice has inspired me to write a short list of all the things I learned in 2014. Here goes...
1. If someone you love is sick, drop everything and spend as much time with them as you can.
2. The world looks very different when you lose your biggest fan on earth.
3. The selfishness of people comes out most-or seems most apparent when you are grieving (this by the way...includes your own).
4. You have no idea how you will react to someones death until it actually happens.
5. (the last morbid one, I promise) You’ll never understand how mad you can get at God or how severely you can question any of your own spirituality to the depth that you do, when someone so important is just gone from existence, completely.
6. Never date someone you work with.
7. Never agree to stay in a hotel room, in another city, with your ex- ever! Especially if the break-up is fresh(ish).
8. When you've been pushed to the point of homicide and you picture yourself standing, yelling like a banshee over their dead body as you scalp them, lock yourself in a bathroom and play comforting music. It works. It really works.
9. If you felt like you may have been capable of murdering someone just an hour before- don't agree to ride with them in a car for the next two hours.
10. If you do make that bad decision and they blast music, turn the heat on full blast, then the AC, and drive erratically, endangering both your lives...stab them in the fucking throat, over and over, until dead. It's worth the wreck.
11. Don't date someone you work with.
12. If you still have to work with someone that has pushed you to a point of violence you’re not comfortable with, give your notice and move on.
13. If you can't finish out your two weeks without punching them in the face- don't do it in front of the camera, while you’re still on the clock....or do, fuck it.
14. If you have fifty plus missed calls and upwards of a hundred texts from someone that may try to charge you with assault- don't erase them, you’ll need them for the harassment counter charges.
15. Don't immediately start dating someone else you work with.
16. Don't date someone you work with.
17. Don't date someone ten years plus younger than you when you’re in your early thirties, at least. They might be fantastic wonderful people, but your maturity levels are probably not compatible, and they may try to be everything you think you need, only for you to hurt them.
18. Don't make so many dumb ass decisions!
19. If having completely empty sex with someone (you may work with <--- stop doing that!) is making you feel some kind of negative way about yourself- stop doing it, idiot!

-------------and finally.....


20. No matter how many times you’ve been hurt or hurt someone, no matter how many bad decisions you’ve made about people or things in your life, if you see an opportunity for change and or possible happiness- don't be afraid- be open and honest and take the risk, over and over. Don't look at your past as a reason not to take chances, for the fear of hurting again. Look at your past as a resume for all the things you’ve encountered and survived, and let it give you strength and courage that you can handle anything. Above all...Be Brave!


Anyfuckingways, I am starting my new twenty-one days on January eleventh. This challenge will be as simple as fucking possible. All I have to do is get up every morning by ten a.m. no matter how late I go to bed. If I fail this one, it's a sign and I should just kill myself. Just kidding, calm down. No but really, I should never try this again! Lol...we shall see. Check ya on the flip side!

Oh, and P.S.
I met someone :)

Thanks for reading!!!!

HOeHOeHOe

So, it's day twenty-three in my second twenty-one day challenge. Ha! Well, I am going to wrap this shit up all nice and sweet, and put a little fucking bow on it. This last twenty-one day challenge....dun dun dun....FAIL! This shit doesn't work! At least not for the lazy. I would love to sit here and tell you what all I've done wrong, so that you may think to yourself, 'well, at least I get more shit done than this girl'. But, I think I will skip that part. Mostly because I am going to have people at my house in like three hours, and I still have to go grocery shopping, and clean the entire house basically. And get ready, and cook and do all kinds of shit that I don't have time to do. But, I made time to stop at Starbucks and spit out some words. Mostly, though I just wanted some coffee.

I gave some serious thought to not doing this again. I mean really how many times do I have to have the whole thing planned out, and not even really give it any attention. I thought that what I really like about the blog is the blogging itself, so maybe I would just do another blog, but if I don't have a subject, what the fuck am I going to write about? I mean, I definitely go off on tangents all the time about ridiculous shit, but, I have some purpose to come back to. Some of the feedback that I get from people is that my blog makes them feel better about their own struggles with being productive and with setting and accomplishing goals. So, I guess I could look at it like my shortcomings are doing someone some good! I have been pretty much trying to figure out exactly how I was going to do a work out challenge. But, I think I will save that for February. I was sitting on the think pot (toilet) this morning and it came to me, simple, easy, and exactly what I need. I started this because I read a book about changing any habit in twenty-one days. So far, I really haven't changed any habits. So, I thought, lets be as elementary as humanly possible. So, my next challenge is going to be....HA, this is stupid...twenty-one days of getting up. Yep, that's it. Easy, simple, and watch if I don't fuck it up! Lol! I am going to start on January first, and I guess I will iron out the simplistic details of this intricate challenge.

Well, Happy Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Merry Holidays! May your days be merry and bright! And, as always...thanks for reading!

Unedited: Mr. Grumpy Pants

I didn't figure out shit! I have let go of the obsessiveness a lot more lately though. I think I have been too pissed off to fucking care lately. I guess I am over it anyways. I feel like I'm in constant waiting for the bottom to drop out. It's like I'm day or two old liquid in a shitty to-go cup, like the ones at Taco Bell. The floor is all soggy, and if I step too quick or hard, I will bust through. The thing about that though, is that the shitty part isn't really the cup, it's the old liquid nobody gives a shit about anymore, no matter how you look it at or how you get out of the cup, you're still fucking shitty. Yeah, like I said, I am being negative as fuck. Being sick didn't help either, I am the worst sick person ever, just mean. I am glad that it's just a cold and not strep. Always a bright side huh! I have been sleeping for the last like four days straight, with plans to get so much shit done, and not really doing any of them. I did get my house cleaned up a good bit the other day with the help of Muse. Our relationship is awesome. We don't even hang out all that much, but when we do, I find that I have a comfort with her that is rare. I have that comfort with family and the not so prego anymore bestie, but with Muse, I just feel like I can be myself, ill and irritated and just let go of worry about how I am making someone feel. It really says a lot about her, she is a pretty tough little birdie. The dynamic of our relationship is a lot like the one I have with my sister too, they aren't too far apart, four years I think, there about anyway.

I am actively trying to figure out what the next twenty-one days will be. I am thinking about doing something with being healthy, eating right, going to the gym.. but, I don't know. I want to start taking a class next semester. I really just need something that will help me change my writing and sleep schedule. If I have a class to go to, I won't miss it, and for the most part won't be late. If I just schedule something for myself, like I do almost everyday, I will not do it, or convince myself that I will have time later, and I never do. I am really acting like an insane person, I guess I have been for a really long time. Oh my, I need a change! I will try this! Oh my, it didn't work! Well, I will just try it the exact same way again! Dipshit!
A friend told me last week that this blog, it seems like I am being more positive and not being so hard on myself. I felt that way too, excluding this entry. I wonder if I am starting a pattern?

If I must look at the bright side, ugggh, I would have to say that something has changed, and I am starting little by little, to realize what I need to do, what works and what doesn't. Mostly what doesn't, but at least I have seen some positive changes lately. I shouldn't be too hard on myself on the one hand. But, on the other, who else is going to be. It is my responsibility to make myself do something, be something. I would like to believe that when I am in a shitty fucking mood that there is a reason for it. One of the most valuable lessons I learned when I was reinventing my personality is that whatever comes your way, you should just not to stomp it out or knock it away, but accept that it is there, feel whatever it makes you feel, and then let it go. You might be meant to learn something from it, and the longer you don't take it for what it is, the harder it is going to push you, until you do. I have to believe that I am going through something like this now, I just need to figure out what the universe is trying to teach me. I seem to be having a hard time with the why of what I am going through right now. I might just also need better drugs. I've been on the same antidepressant for like eight or nine years now. It could be that they just aren't working like they used to. I don't know what just chronic depression feels like though, so I don’t know how to recognize it. I am nothing like I used to be, but a lot of my behavior and feelings were part of the other crazy, the one I've seemed to eradicate . I guess it's worth talking to my doctor about.

Any-who, the update is that this challenge, in all honesty might as well not even exist. I do try and plan most days, but not all, and if I do anything at all, it is definitely not the whole plan, and the next day just gets filled with what I had planned on doing today. It makes me want to look into the study that was done about how making to-do lists and plans inhibits you from actually getting anything done. Some psychologist wrote a whole book on it I think. I should look into that. So far, taking one day at a time, is a lot less stressful, but not as productive. One must remember that the comparison I make in reference to productiveness though, is a really shitty one. I'm comparing cat shit to dog shit, no matter how you look at, it's all shit! I expect more from myself. Well, it's time to come up with my new years resolution, and think about what the next challenge is going to be. If I can be proud of myself for anything it is my ability to keep moving forward, no matter how many times I try and fail, I will keep going at least until I am successful once! Peace out fuckers, thanks for reading.

Last week's after meeting high

Well, the meeting went smashingly! I was really worried about the complexity of the story and how we were going to sum it up nice and neat. But, after much brainstorming, two-pens just spit it out and there it was. On to the next step, a really really rough page by page and storyboard. I have less than a week! I wish I could write my Kill novel this way. I wish I could have a weekly deadline. It probably seems to normal people that there is no reason that I couldn't. But without anyone to make sure I am doing it, or depending on me to do it, the truth is that I probably won't. Maybe my next challenge should be twenty-one days of writing. The last two challenges have shown me how hard that might be. And, I was thinking with it being a new year and all I should do what everyone else will be doing, going to the gym. I might do twenty-one days of squats or something!

In other news, I am starting to think that all of the "feelings" I have been having lately are happening for a good reason. I think I really need to be brought back down to earth a little bit. Since the ex wife and I split, it has seemed like people are coming out of the woodwork, and I think I've really latched on. I think I have started to get a bit of a complex. I am trying to just let myself feel all this bull shit and see what I can learn from it all, I mean that's the whole point, right? It fucking sucks though, feeling insecure, nervous, and the loss of control over my thought processes. The worst part is the fucking dreams! Dude, never in my life have I dreamed about someone like this. It's almost constant! I woke up yesterday, and could remember several dreams that didn't include him, and I felt so good about it, I was like yes! Maybe they will start to go away. If I am honest with myself, I have to know that this is just some subconscious thing, and it means nothing. I mean, I did learn something from the young and beautiful one about the meaning of dreams. It doesn't mean a damn thing! I had a conversation in my head for like over an hour last night while I was writing about why I am feeling this way, and I think I really figured it out.

Out of the mouths of babes

The four year old tot tells me from the back seat tonight "Maleya, I don't think you are ever going to have a baby...you don't even have a wife!" From the mouths of babes! God, how I love her and the two year old tot. I don't think I could possibly love my own children anymore than I love them, and the new tot is on the way! I have been so fucking emotional lately. I think the tot hit the nail on the head though. Our bodies are crazy little things. The clock in my uterus is ticking so fucking loudly! My body screams to me that it's ready and waiting, always waiting. It works so hard to prepare, I spare so much energy to something that quite possibly might never happen. I do have the tall poet as an option if we decide to actually do it. But, I just can't let go of the fantasy. I can't let go of the possibility of finding someone that I can stand to be around all the time. The tots dad asked me if I was seeing anyone tonight and I told him "no, because I can't keep anyone, everyone drives me fucking crazy". He laughed and said, "well, you just gotta go for it, we all drive each other crazy". Maybe this is my fate, to be too picky, and stubborn to ever have anything I want. I think I may have always been this way. I want exactly what I want or nothing at all. Obviously this shit has been weighing on me heavy lately. It's the obsession; a combination of my age, biological clock, the Christmas season, the cold weather and someone that isn't showing me any attention (I'm such a fucking sucker for that) but fuck...seriously, it's driving me crazy. Not to mention all I want to do is sleep. I am failing this challenge, and it's not that I'm not trying. I get up and have plans and feel good about getting somewhere, and then I take a "nap". I just don't feel good. I want to be cuddled up asleep as much as possible, and it feels different. I don't feel lazy, I feel tired. Mom says I need vitamin D, I guess I will go pick some up. All things considered however, I must say, I am doing just fine. There are some really amazing possibilities lurking around, and I am doing everything in my power to be positive and just see what happens and where things go. There have been many moments in my life that I have felt that I was right where I was supposed to be, but none that have lasted this long, it is hard not to get excited, but I try not to expect too much as always. As broke as I've ever been in my adult life, I somehow have what I refer to as emotional anorexia. A condition free from worry about just about anything, especially money . I used to feel as though this was a cause for concern. I mean I have battled with mental illness my whole life, and I used to wonder if I wasn't a psychopath (their brains don't emotionally react the same way a normal brain does), especially with all the time I spend killing people in my head. But, then I realized, that if you can ball your eyes out over a two minute commercial about puppies, then you have a normal reacting mind. Anyways, I am about to go meet with two-pens again about the children's book, and I'm super excited! I will post the after meeting high later, ha! Oh, and no judgment, I am posting this without editing it (it's edited now PS), so when you catch all the errors, fuck off (but really), I will get to it later. Peace out! Thanks for reading!

Oh the places!!

Little pearls lined up like Christmas lights. I can't seem to stop thinking about how lucky I am that I have so many people in my life that are really amazing. I've had plans to post, and moments to write the last few days, and even though I wrote about all the things I have planned and gotten done, and of course all the things that I didn't get done, I don't think posting them is very important. I literally fell asleep last night re-reading the post for the last two days. The gist is that I planned a few things, got some of them done, and the others I didn't. There is still a ton of laundry to do, and I have the clean folded laundry on my bed. The clean folded laundry has been accumulating for the last three days, and I have been sleeping on the couch! Whatever, life is really good. I've had some great times with friends that weren't planned, those are the best. I spent hours with the red-headed bestie the other night and all we did was sit on the couch and talk, no music, no TV, no distractions of any kind. I love those times. And, not to say that all my friends are crazy, quite the contrary actually, but I have had lots of practice with being a counselor lately. Muse and I had a much needed bonding moment and I had the chance to better get to know someone that is near and dear to her. It's been a wonderful week. I wouldn't exactly call it the most successful for this challenge, and was I being as rigid I was with the last one, I might be stressed out about it, but I am in fact really feeling good about it. The entire purpose of this blog was that I needed change, and perhaps the exact change I have been looking for hasn't come yet, but so much has changed that I can't help but be really excited, and thankful for this blog.

In other news, I have finished writing the synopsis that I gave myself a week to write, and I am happy to say that I am already working on the pages for the children's book. I am so excited to be writing this with two-pens! I have another meeting with him on Tuesday and I really think I will be able to possibly even move on to another story with him while he finishes the illustration for this one. I am also writing the Kill novel like a mofo. Even though I couldn't ask for more change than I have experienced in the last month and a half, I will. I want to write more, and really start writing pages for the Kill novel, and not spend as much time as I did with the trilogy on the background information. I just got so fucking bored with that story by the time it came to writing pages that I would sit down and it would seem impossible to figure out how to make myself interested in doing anything with it. I think the key to writing this book is to keep myself busy with pages and figure out the details as I go. I would love to set a goal for myself to get the first draft done as soon as possible. I think I should write at least one chapter first just to see how long it takes me to get there.


Do you know how hard it is to let go? I thought I did. I mean of all the things I've had let go of in my life, fear is the hardest thing so far, and I can't even say that I have let go of it, not this particular one at least. I know I'm a fucking bad ass and it seems like I am not scared of very much, at least, that is what my friends tell me. In all honesty it's not that I am not scared of anything, I'm actually scared of everything, but I love a challenge and I love to face my fear and do something that could potentially be either great or painful. Except for anything that has to do with my heart. I have been there and done that. I'm so fucking happy without anyone in my life, and although I spend quite a bit of time, especially lately, thinking of all the things I would like to be doing, if I were in a relationship, the possibility of fighting or hurting is so insanely scary that I might run screaming if I got half the chance. I can't seem to let go of this fear. I am totally obsessed though, and I wish that I could either make something happen, or let the possibility of it go. I can't dream about anything else. I can't make myself get up or do anything lately either, for the love of my dreams, waking and otherwise.

Anyways, It is day eight today, and I am feeling a bit under the weather as I get ready to go get an x-ray of my teeth. I have a really big day tomorrow and I am looking forward to getting a lot of stuff done. I guess we shall see what happens!

There's a squid on my head!

7 pm
I miss the young and beautiful one. The only reason is because I miss feeling someone touch me the way he did. He loved me and I could feel it with the slightest graze of a finger over my skin. But, I didn't love him, at least not the way he loved me, and reaching out to him now would be selfish and fucked up. The temp is invading my dreams and it's fucking with my head, not that it's his intention or anything I don't suppose. The real problem is that the holidays and cold weather make me long for family and stability. I feel lonely and start thinking about settling down, no matter if it's really what I want or not. I did this even in my marriage. Winter was usually the best time for us, because I wanted to be home much more than usual. But, come spring all I am going to want is freedom. I'm not capable of loving anyone right now anyways, might not ever be. I keep thinking that maybe I am coming out of my detachment. It's been two years since my ex wife and I split. How long does it take? Will I ever stop being scared of feeling anything...at fucking all? The first thing that comes to mind when I think about being in a relationship is the fucking fighting. There is no room for any of it in my life. I'd much rather be alone than deal with feeling misunderstood, unappreciated, or, worst of all, like I'm not living up to someone's expectations. I have this ridiculous fear of someone being mad at me. I spent nine years trying to make sure my ex wife wasn't always mad at me. It's not even fear, its like zero tolerance. If someone gets mad at me, I get horribly angry and flee the scene. I don't think I will ever be able to get over that. Best I just don't put myself in situations to have to figure it out. I do keep picturing two coffee cups sitting on a porch, and thinking that maybe I could be ready. I mean, I sure as shit ain't getting any younger. Maybe it's the temp sex. Maybe I need to eradicate temporary distractions, and I will stop thinking about it. The last time I was with temp, I felt something. Could have been the drugs, could have been the cold, I don't know. It scared the shit out of me though and I've been obsessing over it since. Addicted to the dreams that are filled with him, haunting my waking moments. The most awesome thing about the temp though, is his amazing ability to not give a fucking shit about knowing me at all, or even having bullshit conversations beyond that required to hookup. He was the first to reach out, confident and ballsy, it was attractive. But, for the most part, I haven't had any pull to anyone that shows interest in me first. I don't know what it is, I prefer to do the chasing I guess, and anyone showing too much attention to me irks me out. Temp doesn't bother me at all though, and I've liked it for the most part. In the beginning I was put off by it, it felt... I don't know, empty and that made me feel...icky. Not to mention, I did get used to having some kind of magical power over people, and I guess I sort of expected that he wouldn't be any different. But, somehow something changed. I think I realized how awesome it was, to be able to be with someone and genuinely not have to worry about hurting them when they wanted more than I did. I am feeling a little worried about it now though. It might not be a good idea to continue on our path, because the worst could happen... I could end up liking him, and that might hurt, or lead to the fear. I don't know though, part of me can't walk away because of sheer curiosity. Why does he make me feel so fucking nervous? Pretty much, no one makes me feel nervous. I usually feel mostly in control, and that is the way I like it. But, you know, curiosity killed the cat, they say...whoever they are. So, as with the rest of my life, all there is to do, is be honest and see what happens. Fuck it. Maybe I will get all dolled up and go prowling this weekend, see if I can't get my mind off these things. Gotta go meet with an artist about writing a children's book. Very exciting. I guess I will wrap this up when I get back and tell you all the things I didn't get done today.

2:30 am
Fucking pearls man. The meeting with two-pens went really well! The only thing I could do was giggle like a little girl all the way home, and I kept thinking and saying out loud 'I'm a real writer'. I wish there was a way to put into words how I felt, how I'm feeling now. I've tried several sentences already and backspaced all of them. It was surreal, and however I try to put it into words, it all just falls short. I feel like a real writer! The creative process that flowed through the both of us felt like... ugggh, I just don't know, I don't think I've ever felt that way before! I felt like I was outside of my body, like just a stranger eavesdropping, listening to myself talk and respond to this man that seemed to understand not only my struggles as an artist, but also my process. Until I had to explain it, to work through it with someone, I had never even really considered what exactly my process was. I learned so much about myself tonight. I felt inspired and free, and I also got to experience some part of myself that I didn't even realize I'd developed. In trying to explain this, I hope I am painting some sliver of the picture, portraying some small part of the emotion I felt tonight. I can't even report on the failures of my day, or the ways I fell short. Because, today changed me, and the course I am on. Today gave me something that has changed the way I see myself as a writer. If nothing else, I won't forget the way tonight made me feel. Not to mention how stoked I am about the story! We brainstormed through the roughest parts of the story line and what the purpose of the story was; we made clear plans about the steps we need to take in order to move forward, and so eventually we'll have a finished children's book! We also discussed other writing ideas, and he sparked a line in my Kill novel, or perhaps even an entire novel based on my main character. I feel like we are going to make a very good team, and I am super fucking psyched to be working with him.
Well, tomorrow's a new day, and I have lots to do, so it's to bed with me, and off I go. Thanks for reading!!!