The fucking end.

Day 16: The day I decided to quit this blog. I am so fucking far behind. I'm stressed out. I'm not getting up. I've stayed in bed as much as possible for the last few days, and granted some of the time I needed the sleep, and some of it has to do with...fuck, I'm tired of the excuses. I feel like a failure. I don't know exactly what I am going to do. I want to start over. One thing I can't fucking deal with is getting so far behind. It takes me about an hour or so to type and edit each blog post, and I am so far behind that I might not have been able to do all of them before the twenty-one days was up anyways. And, doing it this way is making me crazy. I'm so sick of recaping. I don't want to do the blog days after the shit has happened. It is driving me crazy having to fix the tenses on everything and trying to remember what happened that day. I imagine that people are reading the blog, and waiting for me to post and that I am letting them down. The truth is that there is probably like one person that is actually doing that. One of my friends asked me to help him in making some changes in his life the other day, and that is all I have thought about since and how I can't even do this for myself and I am trying to...what...be an example for someone else? Look, I don't want to spend time making excuses or feeling bad for having to share that I am failing miserably at this blog, and just last night I told the mother of my girls that I would not be stopping the blog just because I am failing, but I think that is exactly what I need to do. I lay in bed in the mornings and think about all the posts I haven't done and I feel so overwhelmed by all of it, and all the other things I need to do that I go back to sleep. I have to do something different. When I first started I thought that I might need to do something a bit more simple for the first one. That the routine would be too much for me at the beginning, but then I thought about how much the routine changed my life before and that is when I decided it would be the best starting place. But, the last time I used the routine to change my life, routine was saving my life. I was so different then, and the reason I needed change was so different too. I'm not sick anymore, I'm just fucking lost and lazy and overfuckingwhelmed. I don't see a clear purpose today. I just feel ill and irratated. I don't know what I am going to do yet. I think I am going to start over and I am going to keep blogging until I figure something out at least. I just really needed to make this official so that I could move on, because everyday that I wasn't getting caught up on the blog it felt like another hundred pounds was being added to my luggage of life, and I woke up this morning at like nine am, feeling good and ready to get up, but I started thinking about all the stuff I had to do that I knew I wasn't going to have time for and I just went back to sleep, and enjoyed not doing any of it. After the first week of this blog, I felt like I was getting somewhere, like things were changing, and I think they really did, but I have just expected too much from myself, or failed to work hard enough to accomplish my goals and it is taking me down a fucking hole. I am so sick of being negative. But, as I write this, I already feel a weight coming off of me, knowing that I don't have to write and edit so many stupid fucking days of blogs. God, Im so sick of them. I don't want to feel that way about this at all. I don't fucking know where to go from here, but, I do know that I am going to keep writing everyday, and just see if I can keep up with just that part. I guess we shall see what's next. Well, I feel better already and now I have time to get some real shit done today before work. Ugh, Im pissed at myself for failing. FML.

I just went back through all my blogs that I have written, and I feel sick. So much has happened. I've had some really good days trying to do this blog, there are like eight blogs that I have drafts for that I have not published. I know it will be hard to follow how I got to this point of quitting. I had the thought that I would recap the last week, but I can't even do that. It's just so backwards, and I'm fucking sick of going backwards. I don't want to do this blog if I have to do days worth of blogging in past tense. The last week hasn't been as awful as I feel like they have been. So many cool things have happened. My prego bff is no longer prego, she has a beautiful baby boy! I've had some awesome moments and times with friends, but, I just can't keep going back. I have to move forward, so for all my many readers (hahahahahahhahahahaha!) I am sorry that I have to cut this short. I will do something else soon. I guess maybe start another twenty-one days at some point. I don't know I have a lot of ideas, but none I want to think about all that much right now. I have like two hours before I have to be at work, and plenty of shit to do before I leave so I am going to get started. Damnit, so fucking disappointing.