What a day! I've been lost in my head for at least three days, today not excluded. It's amazing but, I find it hard to figure out what I have been doing on auto pilot. When I try to remember, all I can think about is what ever I have been lost in. The rapid speed at which my life and myself have been changing in the last two years, two months, two days, well, its hard for me to fucking process it all. I've been detached for so long. I mean, I needed it so badly but, the time I spent there, and the way it has changed me, it has scarcely left time to make its way to the surface of my skin; barely been sorted through in my mind, and everyday I evolve and change a little more, moving into some new being, wondering how I've spent so much time detached from everything, and then remembering, all at once, that what I am afraid of is too painful to even consider. I have questions, I have so many questions. But, alas, there is no one here to answer them, and no one I can even ask, no one even capable of answering them other than myself. On top of all of this, I have been put in a moral dilemma that I can't even begin to sort out or understand, and while I always love a chance to be brave and do what is right despite the risks, it's fucking scary as fuck too. I feel like I am standing on an edge looking down into a canyon of possibility, watching everyone else and wondering where my place is, and how I will ever figure out when and where to jump in. All the colors are bright and blinding, the vibe is amazing, and I am aware of all the knowledge I am gaining as I dangle my legs over the edge. And, though it all looks like an adventure, and I feel excited about all the paths I could create and walk along, it also feels impossible to jump into something moving as fast as a train below my feet. Damn. Am I the most important person to myself? Am I supposed to be? I've been calling this my narcissism stage in life. I don't actually think I am narcissistic, but I am much more so than I ever have been. The detachment has given me more confidence and comfort in my own skin than I have ever experienced, and I feel a constant nagging in my head, reminding me to stay grounded and humble. But, after the life I've had, I don't think a period of vanity and ego will lead me to overcome the better me.
Don't overcome the better you.
When I was around twenty I had written some philosophical shit on a piece of paper in my room, and one morning when I was barely awake and deep in thought to the point of still dreaming, I looked over at that piece of paper and circled some of the words. The result was: Don't overcome the better you. This was before I ever even became the better me, when I was still bat shit fucking crazy. I have always thought that it was a message from somewhere or someone, maybe even my future self, and I have kept the thought bobbing in the shallow shores of my mind in the thirteen years since.
My journal entry rants aside, I have come up with the purpose for this twenty one day challenge, if you didn't figure it out from the title. 'Twenty one days of planning' is the winner. It is a less structured approach to the last challenge. This way I can give myself a little more leeway and wiggle room to experience the awesome random spontaneity that is what I adore about my life, without feeling like I need to sacrifice it in order to get something accomplished. I have wonderful adventures and friendships and deep conversations and pearls. Fucking pearls man, moments that not only push my life forward in ways I don't always see, but also make my life worth living. I'm excited to see where this will take me. I do have a few ground rules for this challenge however, and writing is a big one. I am to write my blogs the day of and post them everyday. If, for some reason I miss one, then I just miss it, no getting backed up on posts. Another is, that I am aware of how much I am sleeping and making sure that I am not wasting my life dreaming, and if I need more dreaming time, that I plan for it, and stay in control of it. And, lastly, that I have a realistic plan for each day, and execute the plan with determination to meet the goals of this challenge on a day to day basis, as well as seeing it through to the end. That being said, tomorrow I have over extended myself in many directions, and can't possibly get done all that I would like to do, but I do have a reasonable plan to do as much as possible. We shall see what happens. Catch ya on the flip side! Thanks for reading!!!!!!
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