7 pm
I miss the young and beautiful one. The only reason is because I miss feeling someone touch me the way he did. He loved me and I could feel it with the slightest graze of a finger over my skin. But, I didn't love him, at least not the way he loved me, and reaching out to him now would be selfish and fucked up. The temp is invading my dreams and it's fucking with my head, not that it's his intention or anything I don't suppose. The real problem is that the holidays and cold weather make me long for family and stability. I feel lonely and start thinking about settling down, no matter if it's really what I want or not. I did this even in my marriage. Winter was usually the best time for us, because I wanted to be home much more than usual. But, come spring all I am going to want is freedom. I'm not capable of loving anyone right now anyways, might not ever be. I keep thinking that maybe I am coming out of my detachment. It's been two years since my ex wife and I split. How long does it take? Will I ever stop being scared of feeling anything...at fucking all? The first thing that comes to mind when I think about being in a relationship is the fucking fighting. There is no room for any of it in my life. I'd much rather be alone than deal with feeling misunderstood, unappreciated, or, worst of all, like I'm not living up to someone's expectations. I have this ridiculous fear of someone being mad at me. I spent nine years trying to make sure my ex wife wasn't always mad at me. It's not even fear, its like zero tolerance. If someone gets mad at me, I get horribly angry and flee the scene. I don't think I will ever be able to get over that. Best I just don't put myself in situations to have to figure it out. I do keep picturing two coffee cups sitting on a porch, and thinking that maybe I could be ready. I mean, I sure as shit ain't getting any younger. Maybe it's the temp sex. Maybe I need to eradicate temporary distractions, and I will stop thinking about it. The last time I was with temp, I felt something. Could have been the drugs, could have been the cold, I don't know. It scared the shit out of me though and I've been obsessing over it since. Addicted to the dreams that are filled with him, haunting my waking moments. The most awesome thing about the temp though, is his amazing ability to not give a fucking shit about knowing me at all, or even having bullshit conversations beyond that required to hookup. He was the first to reach out, confident and ballsy, it was attractive. But, for the most part, I haven't had any pull to anyone that shows interest in me first. I don't know what it is, I prefer to do the chasing I guess, and anyone showing too much attention to me irks me out. Temp doesn't bother me at all though, and I've liked it for the most part. In the beginning I was put off by it, it felt... I don't know, empty and that made me feel...icky. Not to mention, I did get used to having some kind of magical power over people, and I guess I sort of expected that he wouldn't be any different. But, somehow something changed. I think I realized how awesome it was, to be able to be with someone and genuinely not have to worry about hurting them when they wanted more than I did. I am feeling a little worried about it now though. It might not be a good idea to continue on our path, because the worst could happen... I could end up liking him, and that might hurt, or lead to the fear. I don't know though, part of me can't walk away because of sheer curiosity. Why does he make me feel so fucking nervous? Pretty much, no one makes me feel nervous. I usually feel mostly in control, and that is the way I like it. But, you know, curiosity killed the cat, they say...whoever they are. So, as with the rest of my life, all there is to do, is be honest and see what happens. Fuck it. Maybe I will get all dolled up and go prowling this weekend, see if I can't get my mind off these things. Gotta go meet with an artist about writing a children's book. Very exciting. I guess I will wrap this up when I get back and tell you all the things I didn't get done today.
2:30 am
Fucking pearls man. The meeting with two-pens went really well! The only thing I could do was giggle like a little girl all the way home, and I kept thinking and saying out loud 'I'm a real writer'. I wish there was a way to put into words how I felt, how I'm feeling now. I've tried several sentences already and backspaced all of them. It was surreal, and however I try to put it into words, it all just falls short. I feel like a real writer! The creative process that flowed through the both of us felt like... ugggh, I just don't know, I don't think I've ever felt that way before! I felt like I was outside of my body, like just a stranger eavesdropping, listening to myself talk and respond to this man that seemed to understand not only my struggles as an artist, but also my process. Until I had to explain it, to work through it with someone, I had never even really considered what exactly my process was. I learned so much about myself tonight. I felt inspired and free, and I also got to experience some part of myself that I didn't even realize I'd developed. In trying to explain this, I hope I am painting some sliver of the picture, portraying some small part of the emotion I felt tonight. I can't even report on the failures of my day, or the ways I fell short. Because, today changed me, and the course I am on. Today gave me something that has changed the way I see myself as a writer. If nothing else, I won't forget the way tonight made me feel. Not to mention how stoked I am about the story! We brainstormed through the roughest parts of the story line and what the purpose of the story was; we made clear plans about the steps we need to take in order to move forward, and so eventually we'll have a finished children's book! We also discussed other writing ideas, and he sparked a line in my Kill novel, or perhaps even an entire novel based on my main character. I feel like we are going to make a very good team, and I am super fucking psyched to be working with him.
Well, tomorrow's a new day, and I have lots to do, so it's to bed with me, and off I go. Thanks for reading!!!
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