I didn't figure out shit! I have let go of the obsessiveness a lot more lately though. I think I have been too pissed off to fucking care lately. I guess I am over it anyways. I feel like I'm in constant waiting for the bottom to drop out. It's like I'm day or two old liquid in a shitty to-go cup, like the ones at Taco Bell. The floor is all soggy, and if I step too quick or hard, I will bust through. The thing about that though, is that the shitty part isn't really the cup, it's the old liquid nobody gives a shit about anymore, no matter how you look it at or how you get out of the cup, you're still fucking shitty. Yeah, like I said, I am being negative as fuck. Being sick didn't help either, I am the worst sick person ever, just mean. I am glad that it's just a cold and not strep. Always a bright side huh! I have been sleeping for the last like four days straight, with plans to get so much shit done, and not really doing any of them. I did get my house cleaned up a good bit the other day with the help of Muse. Our relationship is awesome. We don't even hang out all that much, but when we do, I find that I have a comfort with her that is rare. I have that comfort with family and the not so prego anymore bestie, but with Muse, I just feel like I can be myself, ill and irritated and just let go of worry about how I am making someone feel. It really says a lot about her, she is a pretty tough little birdie. The dynamic of our relationship is a lot like the one I have with my sister too, they aren't too far apart, four years I think, there about anyway.
I am actively trying to figure out what the next twenty-one days will be. I am thinking about doing something with being healthy, eating right, going to the gym.. but, I don't know. I want to start taking a class next semester. I really just need something that will help me change my writing and sleep schedule. If I have a class to go to, I won't miss it, and for the most part won't be late. If I just schedule something for myself, like I do almost everyday, I will not do it, or convince myself that I will have time later, and I never do. I am really acting like an insane person, I guess I have been for a really long time. Oh my, I need a change! I will try this! Oh my, it didn't work! Well, I will just try it the exact same way again! Dipshit!
A friend told me last week that this blog, it seems like I am being more positive and not being so hard on myself. I felt that way too, excluding this entry. I wonder if I am starting a pattern?
If I must look at the bright side, ugggh, I would have to say that something has changed, and I am starting little by little, to realize what I need to do, what works and what doesn't. Mostly what doesn't, but at least I have seen some positive changes lately. I shouldn't be too hard on myself on the one hand. But, on the other, who else is going to be. It is my responsibility to make myself do something, be something. I would like to believe that when I am in a shitty fucking mood that there is a reason for it. One of the most valuable lessons I learned when I was reinventing my personality is that whatever comes your way, you should just not to stomp it out or knock it away, but accept that it is there, feel whatever it makes you feel, and then let it go. You might be meant to learn something from it, and the longer you don't take it for what it is, the harder it is going to push you, until you do. I have to believe that I am going through something like this now, I just need to figure out what the universe is trying to teach me. I seem to be having a hard time with the why of what I am going through right now. I might just also need better drugs. I've been on the same antidepressant for like eight or nine years now. It could be that they just aren't working like they used to. I don't know what just chronic depression feels like though, so I don’t know how to recognize it. I am nothing like I used to be, but a lot of my behavior and feelings were part of the other crazy, the one I've seemed to eradicate . I guess it's worth talking to my doctor about.
Any-who, the update is that this challenge, in all honesty might as well not even exist. I do try and plan most days, but not all, and if I do anything at all, it is definitely not the whole plan, and the next day just gets filled with what I had planned on doing today. It makes me want to look into the study that was done about how making to-do lists and plans inhibits you from actually getting anything done. Some psychologist wrote a whole book on it I think. I should look into that. So far, taking one day at a time, is a lot less stressful, but not as productive. One must remember that the comparison I make in reference to productiveness though, is a really shitty one. I'm comparing cat shit to dog shit, no matter how you look at, it's all shit! I expect more from myself. Well, it's time to come up with my new years resolution, and think about what the next challenge is going to be. If I can be proud of myself for anything it is my ability to keep moving forward, no matter how many times I try and fail, I will keep going at least until I am successful once! Peace out fuckers, thanks for reading.
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