Day 2: November 6th, 2014

The no good very bad day. Something happened here today. I didn't get up at all. I turned off three alarms and talked myself out of doing anything that I was supposed to be doing. I didn't want to get up. I just wanted to sleep and dream. Although I had went to bed at an early enough hour for me to have had seven and half hours of sleep when I set my alarms. I set them for between eleven and twelve noon. I did get up when the first alarm went off and looked outside to find it raining and that was it. I couldn't go for a walk, so I just went back to bed. I didn't actually get up until three-ten (which means I slept for eleven plus hours). I had to be at work at four. I was pissed, disappointed in myself, and irritated. I threw shit around the entire time I got ready for work, and when I got to work (five minutes late of fucking course) I was just as pissed off and irritated. But, something else happened too. I cried. I had kind of felt like I was going to cry the night before too. But I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I haven't been able to cry, even when I wanted to for months and months. Then on the way to work, I just felt something break a little. I was being very hard on myself, for starting all this and dedicating it to my grandmother, and not taking it seriously, falling right back into what I always do. I learned a long time ago that you can't be hard on yourself. You can't always control how other people treat you, or how nice they are to you. But, you can control how nice you are to yourself, and you should always treat yourself with understanding and kindness. So negative self talk is not something I do very often, if at all. But, I had even written on my mirror (which I do a lot with a dry erase marker) "get your fucking shit together LOSER!" before I left for work. The message that was still on my mirror when I had people over after work, of course I left it! HA.

Anyways I get to work, try and calm down a little, walk to the back of the dining room, sit at a table and fucking cry. It felt weird. Way too raw, way too exposed. But, at the same time, I would have dared someone to say something! Of course no one did. My lovely friends, despite how irritated I was for the next three hours, tried to cheer me up, and left me alone as perfectly as I could have asked for, but didn't have to. I was talking to my boss (and "friend" *wink* love you boss lady) later that night and she was trying to understand what was going on with me. In trying to explain it to her, I found that I was defending my bad mood; that made me realize that I needed it, and that I need to be hard on myself. I needed to feel that disappointment in myself, and, more than that I needed to break down a little. I need to feel something. I have been so strong lately I thought, but really I was just ignoring everything in order to not have to feel anything. Which is fine. A sort of psychological security blanket. I think I needed it, the blanket I mean. I also need it to be over. Right. Fucking. Now. Day two was a bust for my routine, but it was a very needed step in the right direction.

Something else unfolded last night too. My friends came over to hang out with me after work. I was supposed to go out with one of my besties, but I went to the liquor store instead, and invited her over. Turns out it was her birthday (we're new besties, btw), and we needed to celebrate. A few people came over and my mood was so much lighter. I came home on a sort of break from work and cleaned up the shit that was about to drive me crazy just so that I wouldn't be embarrassed to have people in my house. Ya know, gave the toilet a quick scrub, and got all my panties out of the bathroom floor. Nothing major at all, took me twenty minutes. I wondered while I was doing it why on earth it's been so hard to motivate myself to do something so easy and quick on a regular basis (I used to be so clean!). I will never understand myself. On the other hand, if I have people over more, my house will be cleaner, and my vibes will be better too. It's a win-win. Anyways, to the fucking point...my newish friend who is going through a change in her life, her exciting new adult life (she is a fresh twenty years old) came over too, and ended up staying the night here. As I told her what I was doing (this project) and how I needed to go to bed so that I could get up and have a better day tomorrow, she got all motivated to help me and wake me up and help me get my stuff done, and I agreed to help her too. It was nice to say goodnight to someone and I went to bed without any distractions, no TV on, no anything...just turned off my lights and went to sleep like a normal fucking person. And....at a decent time, even with having had people over and partying quite a bit. The worst day somehow turned out to be a really amazing day by the time it was over. Good friends and great vibes are hard to find, and a gift that (at least in my eyes) is straight from God. What amazing wonderful people are in my life! And, I am lucky enough to get to see one of my new besties turn another year older. So, day two---fucking awful, powerful, amazing, painful, draining, and perfect.