Out of the mouths of babes

The four year old tot tells me from the back seat tonight "Maleya, I don't think you are ever going to have a baby...you don't even have a wife!" From the mouths of babes! God, how I love her and the two year old tot. I don't think I could possibly love my own children anymore than I love them, and the new tot is on the way! I have been so fucking emotional lately. I think the tot hit the nail on the head though. Our bodies are crazy little things. The clock in my uterus is ticking so fucking loudly! My body screams to me that it's ready and waiting, always waiting. It works so hard to prepare, I spare so much energy to something that quite possibly might never happen. I do have the tall poet as an option if we decide to actually do it. But, I just can't let go of the fantasy. I can't let go of the possibility of finding someone that I can stand to be around all the time. The tots dad asked me if I was seeing anyone tonight and I told him "no, because I can't keep anyone, everyone drives me fucking crazy". He laughed and said, "well, you just gotta go for it, we all drive each other crazy". Maybe this is my fate, to be too picky, and stubborn to ever have anything I want. I think I may have always been this way. I want exactly what I want or nothing at all. Obviously this shit has been weighing on me heavy lately. It's the obsession; a combination of my age, biological clock, the Christmas season, the cold weather and someone that isn't showing me any attention (I'm such a fucking sucker for that) but fuck...seriously, it's driving me crazy. Not to mention all I want to do is sleep. I am failing this challenge, and it's not that I'm not trying. I get up and have plans and feel good about getting somewhere, and then I take a "nap". I just don't feel good. I want to be cuddled up asleep as much as possible, and it feels different. I don't feel lazy, I feel tired. Mom says I need vitamin D, I guess I will go pick some up. All things considered however, I must say, I am doing just fine. There are some really amazing possibilities lurking around, and I am doing everything in my power to be positive and just see what happens and where things go. There have been many moments in my life that I have felt that I was right where I was supposed to be, but none that have lasted this long, it is hard not to get excited, but I try not to expect too much as always. As broke as I've ever been in my adult life, I somehow have what I refer to as emotional anorexia. A condition free from worry about just about anything, especially money . I used to feel as though this was a cause for concern. I mean I have battled with mental illness my whole life, and I used to wonder if I wasn't a psychopath (their brains don't emotionally react the same way a normal brain does), especially with all the time I spend killing people in my head. But, then I realized, that if you can ball your eyes out over a two minute commercial about puppies, then you have a normal reacting mind. Anyways, I am about to go meet with two-pens again about the children's book, and I'm super excited! I will post the after meeting high later, ha! Oh, and no judgment, I am posting this without editing it (it's edited now PS), so when you catch all the errors, fuck off (but really), I will get to it later. Peace out! Thanks for reading!